Goodbye to All That
>> Tuesday, June 9, 2009
A beautiful piece by Joan Didion but in all honesty, there’s no good way to just wave goodbye to Bangladesh. Standing at baggage claim in Santiago, I half-hoped for the color and heat and craziness that would have awaited me outside in Dhaka. I still catch myself walking on the left side of hallways, though thank goodness I’ve stopped popping into acha and hehn instead of Spanish at inopportune moments. Without intending to, memories play over in my mind: I miss it all, every day.
“How was Bangladesh?” came the question again and again, over meals and coffee and office desks. And how was it? At once overwhelming, beautiful, touching, unjust, difficult, poverty-stricken, sweaty, frustrating, sparkling, fun, and unexpected. It’s impossible to capture it all in a few minutes and sometimes I do better than others. It’s hard to convey the impact of living in such absolute poverty, the rewards of connecting with the field staff, the humbling hospitality of the villagers, the frustrations and joys of working at DCH, and the amazing, amazing friends I’ve been lucky to meet. When I think Bangladesh, I will think of these wonderful people—and what great times we had! As David said though, “What do you mean goodbye dinner? This is a see-you-later dinner.”
It was a stark contrast to be back in the States after four months in Moghbazar. On the flight back to San Diego, I sat by this family of four. The little boy was watching some educational DVD (B for Bridge!) and the mom was trying to calm her younger daughter. “Honey, stop whining and sit still. Do you want Goldfish? Do you want a cookie?” I looked at those kids and couldn’t help but think of the little girl with the acid burn across her chest who begged in Gulshan 1 circle, the village children who ran around laughing and eating mango, but who will likely die in childbirth or from arsenic poisoning…these American children were so, so lucky, and they would probably never realize. I had become so numb after four months there. The poverty, the destitution, it doesn't affect you anymore because if you allow it to, in consumes you. But suddenly, in that airplane, all that numbness melted away and I just started crying—a little maudlin but that was how I arrived in San Diego. The kids who I lived around and worked with: most of them just didn’t have a chance. The world is a terribly unfair place.
You come back from Bangladesh with more of an understanding of the myriad headwinds to development in this kind of country—and also with a sense that we can never do enough. The day I left, 150 people died in a cyclone in the south of the country. Cyclones happen multiple times every year: any one step forward might be pushed three steps back by natural disasters, bureaucracy, corruption, change of personnel, drying of funds, anything. The neoliberal governmentality that exists there, with NGOs serving as a sort of quasi-government, doesn’t solve anything. I came to Bangladesh with many questions, and I left with more. Where do we go from here? Where do I go from here?
It’ll take other journeys, maybe back across to the other side of the world, maybe just to the other side of the Charles, to answer those questions. But to quote Mitch Albom again, “Every ending is a new beginning. We just don’t know it at the time.” And on that note, I will close this last Tale of Bangladesh. Thank you so much for reading.
